The Thing Premake...Let me Count The Ways Why I Think It Sucks!

Let's be clear...this is just my opinion...if you happen to like the film, be my guest. But since John Carpenter's The Thing happens to be my favorite horror film...I saw this flick and gave it a chance...ugh.

Let Me Count the Ways:

1.) Why a Prequel?
           See, a few years ago John Carpenter had wanted to do a sequel, in which he would bring Kurt Russell and Keith David back with him in an all new, horrifying chapter...but instead they decided to say no and make a prequel, about Norwegians that we don't care and already knew about it (they died, one committed suicided, they awoke the Thing, it ends with a dog running and them chasing in a helicopter...I already KNOW the story) starring John Mcclane's daughter and the guy who played Lloyd in Dumb and Dumberer, and directed by a guy who's done nothing but direct trailers for Toyota and Bud Light...what, the, fuck?

2.) Ho-Hum/Shitty CGI
         Why, why, why? In 1982, almost 30 years (!?!) before, we had practical FX that are stunning and still hold up to this day...but yet instead of an attempt at practical special effects, we have stuff that could barely cut it in a video game.

3.) Characters suck...
        Not in all films, but they do in this one. You either have a leading girl trying very hard to be Ripley, the guy from Dumb & Dumberer that you're supposed to take seriously but can't, one-note Norwegians, and a Kurt Russell wannabe. No charm, no personality, and no charisma.

4.) Uhm...say what?
     Some things don't make sense. It's been said, even by John Carpenter & company, that the creature has been around thousands of lifeforms (just check out the great doc Terror Takes Shape on the DVD of John Carpenter's The Thing)...and in Carpenter's flick the Thing is stealthy and smart. So why is it this Thing is the equivalent of a Jack in the Box? It kills any suspense or even any logic, making as much noise as possible and doing very stupid things...and no, it's not a 'newbie' (even a newbie would be smarter than some of the shit this Thing does). And how come the spaceship at the end works...why didn't it go to it at the beginning? Why do you not even bring up the 'guy killing himself' and do anything with it, but instead just save it for a quick shot at the end (which we already saw, in better effect, in the 1982 version)? How does the Ripley wannabe/scientist know how to fix a stuffed-up flamethrower?

5.) Boring...all sense of suspense, thrills, or atmosphere is crucially missing from this entry.

Either way, fuck this Thing.